Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
