I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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