I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
