remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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