i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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