After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Panties = found
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
