Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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