Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
