When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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