I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
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Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
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You pole danced in your parka.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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