If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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