I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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