Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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