My girlfriend figured out who you are.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
