I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
