last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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