Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
