i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
