In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
