if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
