the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
