Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
