Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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