She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
