Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
