Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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