You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
