I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Everything about him screamed your future.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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