I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
