God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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