how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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