There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
