I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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