I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
