After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
