there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
