I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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