Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
