Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
