she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
