Well now I have my semen on her headphones
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I will pee on everything he values.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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