Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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