I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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