i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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