Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
