My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize