Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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