why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
