I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
