did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
