I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
