Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
