Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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