I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
