I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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