Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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