i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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