The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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