Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize