I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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