I think my vagina is haunted
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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