I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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