she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
