Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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