the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
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Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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