don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
