seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Come on in and take your pants off
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